Just As I Am

When is the last time your world blew up?
When is the last time your current reality...revealed itself as not so real after all?
When is the last time you looked in the mirror and saw beyond your own image?
When is the last time the STATUS QUO became a thing of fantasy?

This past week was one of those times.

There are many different levels that this type of upheaval can occur on in your life.
As a performance driven individual this type of chaos is avoided, feared and if the first two options are not possible, fixed immediately.

I have grown up doing the right thing.
Or trying to do the right thing.
As often as possible.
The goal is 100%
Not 90%.
The goal is: Do it.
Do it right.
Do it better.
Do it better with a good attitude.
Improve on it.
Do it again.
Failure is not making less than 5o%...
failure is not reaching your goal.

I grew up self assessing to the max.
Analyzing.
Inspecting.
Critiquing.
Cleaning out.
Building up.
Strengthening.
Educating.
Improving.
Doing it.
Right...
and righter still.
Proving to myself that I could.

Suck it up princess.
Shake it off.
Be strong.
Be stronger.
Get it right.
Be good.
You can.
Think positive.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You know what to do.
Do it.

I didn't smoke.
I didn't drink.
I didn't sleep around.
I didn't cheat.
I didn't do drugs.
I didn't swear.
I didn't ..lots of things.

I hated school.
I aced my exams.
I excelled.
I was extremely shy.
I became popular.
I had no fashion sense.
No sense of style.
I faked it.
I liked being alone.
I hid in crowds.
I hated public speaking.
I became a great conversationalist.

I dreamed big.
I had nightmares.

I am 40.
Today I am surrounded by the rubble of disappointed hopes.
My mind echoes with the screams of avoided fears..
I am haunted by the consequences of delayed failure.

I stand amidst the ruins of choices.
I failed.

Now what?

Why do we fear failure so much?
Actually..not all failures...
There are many ways to fail acceptably.

My failure is not one of them.
I am not going to name my failure for all you who are salivating...
Suffice to say...it is mine...
You have yours.
If I trusted that my nakedness would spawn nakedness all around instead of a gossip fest then maybe I would scream my failure from the rooftop.
But I don't.
Most of us take reality in little convenient bite size pieces.
Calling ourselves raw...open..honest.
The truth is if we get truly honest and uncovered ...most of the time we shake up someone else's comfort zone..
Our nakedness requires something of everyone around us...
What do we do now?
What is required of me?
Is this going to cost me?

I don't like feeling obligated.

The truth is we are all OBLIGATED!

To each other.

To love.
To share.
To support.
To encourage.
To give.
To prefer the other.
To sacrifice.
To serve.

Because the truth is..if we can grasp it...

We are all dependent...
Interdependent.
When one is sick...
When one is hurting..
When one is lonely..
When one is abandoned..
When one is abused..
When one is naked..
When one is lacking...
When one is poor...

We are all...
SICK
HURTING
LONELY
ABANDONED
ABUSED
NAKED
LACKING
POOR

This week...

I sit surrounded by a need.
Failure covers the landscape.
Abject poverty of spirit swells like a tsunami.

This is who I am.
This is my reality.
This is where faith begins.
This is where trust flourishes.
Just as I am.
God comes to my worst .... not my best.
He saves....
He defeats the Giant.
I realized this week that in the old story of David and Goliath, when David ran towards Goliath,
he wasn't seeing a Giant... He was running towards his God....the giant was God's to bring down.

We all have our personal giants..specifically tailored to our fears, weaknesses, hungers, desires, hopes and dreams.
At the place of our greatest failures is the potential for the greatest success.
We cannot defeat ourselves.
We come.
Just as we are.
Children.
Broken.
Wrong.
Afraid.
Undone.

Trusting that God is bigger.
Than our failures.
Than our giants.
Than our assessments.
Than our successes.

Here I am.
Miracles come.
When they are needed.
When they are believed in.

In the midst of my ruins today.
I believe.
I take courage.
I run forward...towards the one...
Just as I am..

He is everything I need.
He takes me as I am.
Just as I am.

Take courage.
I am.
He never fails the failed.