A Girl Called Kelly

Once upon a time....there she was... hair all around...in your face...raw..real...
She was just there..on my landscape... and she took up a lot of space.

Moving from Nova Scotia to British Columbia is not for the faint of heart.
Moving with two boys under the age of 2 is not for the sound of mind.
Who ever said I was sane?
Maybe that's why we get each other so well.
There she was...there I was..there we were..the rest as they say...is history...
Or more like...eternity!

15 years later I am reading her blog Spontaneous Deliberation and I am barely breathing.

Truth teller.
Crusader.
Sojourner.
Prophet.
Friend.

When is it time?
When do we get it.
Life is about telling the truth.
Bringing out our secrets.
Turning on the light.
What are we afraid of?

This is not about a trade off.
We don't keep it all together, maintain our reputations...for God... or each other.
He is not a vending machine.
He is not a gum ball machine.
We can never put in enough coins....
Where do we get the coins anyways?
Counterfeiting is against the law.
We do it all the time.
We make our own currency:

Forgiveness for healing:
a trip down memory lane forgiving 4 that I can remember, for 10 years pain free...please

Tithing for Wealth:
10 % investment for a profit of 300% PLEASE!

Worship for a renewal:
5 songs of intimacy on Sunday morning for a "get out of my depression for a day" card....

I'll have combo 5 please...super sized!

Let me just get my wallet.

God... we have turned you into a drive-thru.

Why don't you just do another Sodom ?
Fire and brimstone anyone?
Re-runs are the thing now-a-days.

What do we think?
He's withholding?
Why?
What can I give him?
To change his mind?

God is not me...he's not us...
He's not on a power trip...trying to make a little profit on the side.
He doesn't need anything else.
He owns all there is.

Our view of God is screwed.

But ... that's never stopped him.

Kelly?

His.

Totally.


I see things.

All the time.

I know that I know that in spite of all my crap... he still shows me things from his point of view.
It's like I am standing with my face right in his and the deeper I look into his eyes, the more I see from his perspective.

Kelly.

I can barely breathe when I think of how he sees her.

Beautiful.

CAPTIVATING.

Passionate.

ReAl....real.. r E a L

Her limitations. Facts. Have no bearing on the truth of who she is.
Her humanity. Fact. Has no influence on his design....
His commitment to her remains.
He is undaunted.
His lavish love overcomes.
...she lives...and moves and has her existence in LOVE.

Love NEVER fails.

Never.

Fails.

Us.

Even if we think we are failing him.

The two are mutually exclusive.

Kelly?

She's my hero.

And I can hear her laughter, all the way over here in snowy, cold Manitoba....

She's my girl.

Hanging by a Moment

It's that time of day.

Actually, when I think about it both 3am and 3pm have a lot in common...in the winter at least.

At 3am, the night is spent yet still hangs on for dear life as if threatening to stay forever, refusing to relinquish itself to the dawn... refusing to give way to the rising sun...
...but the dawn will not be vanquished...it cannot be held back.

At 3pm...especially in the winter...it feels like the day is spent....evening approaches as the sun seems to struggle to remain above the horizon, but the dark encroaches from the east ever advancing...as the light ever retreats to the western horizon.

The same goes for the tides..and the seasons.

Enacted in amazing imagery all around us is the dance of death and life.
Light warring with dark.
Winter with Spring.
Summer with Autumn.
Birthing with dying.
The past with the future.
Day with night.

Life is amazing..full of second chances.
Chances to get it right.
Chances to regroup.
Chances to reform.
Chances to reclaim.
Chances to renew.

The cycle continues.

The cycle can take years.
Or weeks.
Or a day.
Or a moment.

a moment

yes

Eternity can be captured in a moment in time.

I had such a moment today.

In that moment something shifted.

I have no words to tell you why, or how.

It was unsought.
It was unearned.
I was unprepared.
I am forever changed.

It's that simple.
That easy.

It is.

I realize that as a performance driven individual I miss so many of these moments.
My reason gets in the way.
My intellect obscures.
My pride prevents.

Winter is a great month for introspection....but even that can get in the way.
Self interpretation...still focuses on self.

I am realizing that in the flow of life more is accomplished in me when my focus is not on me.

More is accomplished through me as well.

The big picture is comprised of a million little pitures.

Life is composed of millions of moments...eternity filled moments

Believe.

Let it be.

Enjoy your moments.

They are larger on the inside than they appear.

My God...Your God

These days my inner life resembles a battlefield.
My mind is constantly under assault.
Old habits die hard.
Old enemies, a familiar presence, entertained with a twisted sort of intimacy.

I feel like Much Afraid on her journey to the High Places(Hinds Feet on High Places) as she stares at the path in front of her that leads into the desert....this is not what you promised...this path cannot lead to your promises! The Shepherd asks her to trust him implicitly even when it looks like he is lying.

My problem is not so much that I think God is lying.
It lies in the fact that my definition, my persepctive, my portrait, of God... is twisted and distorted.

Re-building the fire each morning is a job I enjoy.
The coals can be tiny and hidden among the mounds of ash....but it only takes a few and a breath of air to bring the fire back to conflagration.
As I add kindling and breathe on the coals and pull out the damper to allow more air in, the fire leaps into being again. The difference between the winking embers and the roaring blaze is less than half a minute.
Food for thought!
Daily.
My despair can melt away in the face of such imagery.
Breath of God breathe on me.

Recently I realized that the coals in my heart were burned down to almost nothing, and that a cycle was emerging: Inspiration, passion,waiting, hope,wearying and despair.

Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

What was missing is: ACTION

Why?
It is killing me.
Slowly but surely.
This cycle is chronic. terminal. fatal.

This morning before the fire I realized why.

The fault lies with the God I serve.

Shocked?
Please don't call.
I haven't fallen off the edge quite yet.

Repeat.
The fault lies with the God I serve.

Kim Clement has a book: Call Me Crazy But I'm Hearing God.
He talks in this book about the difference between God's intentions and his actions.

Intentions.

Actions.

Separate and distinct from one another.

Why?

Why does God not do what he intends?

Because the key to them being one and the same lies with me.

ME

me

mE

Me

Moi.....

It is all about me....Rick Warren was wrong...((grin))

Choice.

I choose.

From the beginning it has always been so.

God intends.....man chooses....God acts.

Confession time.

Today I saw the God I serve.
He is a teacher.
He has a big pen.
He has a big score pad..a big measuring stick....
He doesn't grade on a curve.

I live like I have to measure up.
I perform my heart out for good grades.
I need to make the deans list to be worthy.
I create a series of standards in my own mind... and am immobilized unless they are reached.
The God I serve cannot accept anything less.
Than perfection.

And I am not.

Perfect.

God.

It is so sick and twisted.
It is so arrogant.

I'll allow that God can use anyone else in any form....but me.
See I know me.
I live with me.
I know my humanity.
I am failing.
I am fallen.
I can't get up.
But I try.
On my own.
To be my own savior.

I live guilty. Of underachieving.
I live fearful. Of failure.
I guarantee both.
I choose.

It is never enough.

IT NEEDS TO STOP.

This is my God.

It is NOT God.

Thus are God's intentions thwarted.... in me.
His actions however...bring me round again...back to his intentions....thank God.

He remains constant.
Faithful.
Sacred.
Waiting.
Loving.

I need the furnace of Shadrach..Meshach and Abednego.
I need Daniels's lions den.
I need Paul's Damascus road.

My God is killing me in the name of GOD.

So here I am.
40.
Forty.
Four ZERO.
Yes forty years old!!!!
The New Year approaches with alarming speed.
2008.

I am done. undone.

Will the real God please step forward.

This model is counterfeit.
I surrender it.
Gladly.
With relief.
There will be no more command preformances.
The show is cancelled.
finito.

Repeat: will the real God please step forward.

The God who made me.

He doesn't do bad art.
He doesn't accept the critics reviews.
He uses what he makes.
He loves what he does.
He finishes what he started.

He never FAILS.

my GOD?

Exactly.

He...is all about...me.

The wo-MAN in the Mirror

I write from life.

Difficult not to, when life is just begging to be transcribed.

The good, the bad and the underbelly of life begs to be reiterated, regurgitated and re-constituted into something of value. Something lasting. Something truly beautiful.

Who am I?

The question begs asking from the first moment an infant gazes into the eyes of its parent.
A mother carries a child in her womb, under her heart for nine months.
Simply put: they are one...and yet they are not.

It takes a while for an infant to focus after birth.
Dazed and confused doesn't quite cover it I imagine.

Out of the comforting womb where there were no demands whatsoever, the baby arrives abruptly into a foreign environment. Senses engage. Synapses fire.
The quest for identity begins.

We humans see everything around us as reference points.
Points that tell us where we are, what we are and who we are.

That is that so this must be this..not that.
They are there, and those others are over there...so I must be here.

Navigating life becomes kind of like navigating by the stars.

The problem is...and a big problem it is...

...is that the reference points we use are not fixed.

Not anchored securely.

Not constant.

They are always moving, changing..transforming.

They are unreliable, even at the best of times.

This causes major disasters on the journey of life , as you can well imagine.

Put it into a nautical framework, or an aeronautical framework and watch the flaming infernos fill the seas and skies.

The ancient scriptures tell us that:

"Those who compare themselves, among themselves, are not wise."

And yet we soldier on, plotting our courses by the "stars" in our heavens:

Our parents.
Our siblings.
Our friends.
Our enemies.
Our colleagues.
Our heroes.
Our teachers.
Our selves.

Self discovery is devastating.
Either way.
Discovering strength can devastate excuses.
Discovering limitations can devastate arrogance.
Discovering compassion can devastate ambivalence.
Discovering truth can devastate perspective.

For us it will always be the struggle for self expression, the unveiling of our true selves.
The peeling back of our skins, layers, petals.

C.S Lewis displayed profound wisdom when he described Eustace being freed by Aslan from his Dragon suit.(Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)
Eustace, ( who up until this point had been an arrogant pain in the ass,always complaining or whining and never having a problem recommending himself as an expert on every front to anyone who would listen) has transformed into a dragon and was asked by Aslan if he wanted to be free. Eustace affirms this as his hearts desire and Aslan proceeds to dig in a claw and strip Eustace layer by layer.
The last layer is the most excrutiating... agonizing... and incapacitating, yet it is in that moment that freedom is gained. Eustace is reborn, still retaining some of his aggravating qualities...but reborn none the less.

All that to say this.

We cannot liberate ourselves.

We are never done.

And neither is the person in front of us.

To compare our positions and chart our course from one another is futile and more likely than not to cause a major collision. Our interpretation of information is flawed. We are walking wounded. We need an ever fixed mark from which to navigate.

We need a clear line of vision.
We need a different reflection.

We need our maker.

Self loathing, self hatred, self confidence, self worth.

All generated by self.

All self imposed.

All inherently flawed.

We are visually and physically and spiritually impaired.

If you need assistance press * for more options.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Eustace saw himself reflected in a pool of water.
He was a dragon.
Aslan saw the boy underneath.
The boy believed Aslan, not his reflection.
He turned from the pool.
Gazed into the face of the Lion.
The reflection changed.

Love is NOT blind... it truly sees... it sees...TRULY!

What do you see?
Where are you looking?
What manner of looking glass do you gaze into?
To whom do you compare?

Mom?
Sister?
Friend?
Yourself as you once were...are now or imagine yourself to be?

Somedays...all I see is the dragon. I can almost smell the smoke.

But I am learning to navigate wisely.
I am learning to gaze into the eyes of my maker and allow him to reflect back to me: his view.

Mine is too subjective.
Too indeterminate.
Too inconstant.

Self discovery is deadly.
Painful.
Liberating.

More and more frequently I am finding my true self mirrored in his eyes.
Authentic.
Whole.
Beautiful.

It is a challenge daily to change my point of view.
It takes incredible effort.
Deliberate actions.
Concrete decisions.

Who am I?

I am who he says.

And I am her NOW and forever.....

Prior Engagement..Previous Committment

I was asking God for wisdom the other day.
You would think this is a daily occurrence, being the mother of four young men… and you would be right.
However, there are specific moments…seasons or stages that require more delicate surgery. The scalpel must be sharp and the cuts, precise. This involves more than practical wisdom…more like divine words mixed with divine atmosphere and angelic intercession.
It takes this to raise a child to respectful manhood.
God help us all.

Thank God he does.

Poetry book in hand, my eldest reclines with one leg over the arm of the chair next to the fire.
Percy Bysshe Shelley is on tap. A wounded man to be sure.
The topic of manhood comes up, with all it attending topics… dating, divorce…affairs and so on and so forth.
This is ample fodder for the teenage mind…and deep waters for mother dear.
Statistics are against us.
This is the information generation.
The kids of today know far more than I do…and have experienced far more of the Dark Side than I ever will.
Visually and experientially.
So what do you tell a seventeen year old?
How do you challenge him?
How do you motivate him?

With Jesus.

Of course.

For sure.

But how?

The consummate lover.

I stood leaning against the railing looking down into my family room at my son and the words flowed….

Out there somewhere is a girl.
Your future wife.
She is yours…already.
You are hers.

Live it.

Rise each morning…talk to your maker about her.
Call her forth.
Love her.
Bend your back to hard work for her.
Bend your mind to education and study.
Pour out your heart for her.
Search out the heart of God.

Pray.

Love.

Before.

As if.

She was fully yours and you were hers.

As I write this my heart leaps.
I know this is the center of truth.
This is how God is with us.

Loved…before.

Before we knew.

Completely.

Each sunrise…a spectacular display.
Each sunset a kaleidoscope.
Each flower a captivating aroma…
Each waterfall a cascade…an outpouring.

Tell her…write to her… tell her that you loved her long before you met her.
Hold yourself ready… to lavish love upon her.
Keep yourself ready…to receive her love.
Do not stray.
Fix your mind and heart and body on this one thing.
On your beloved.

The lover is constant…ever ready...anticipating.
Can’t you feel it?
You know it.
Deeper in.
Farther in.

Breathe.

There it is…

I saw it.
The moment it clicked.
Behind his eyes.
The sorrow first.
Of so much time passed...and spent on self.
The gravity of the moment...I am not my own.
The brightness of the future...have you seen my beloved?

It was all there…

And then…arms wrapped tightly around me …he thanks me.
And I breathe deep….a divine breath to be sure.

For this I was born…for this I was made.

My son can now say:

“Sorry, I have a prior engagement…a previous commitment….no I don’t know her…but I am still committed to her. She has my heart….and I have hers.
I am my Father’s son.”

The Truth about Juanita

Noah.

I have been thinking about Noah lately.

And Elijah.

And David.

And Gideon.

But primarily Noah and Elijah.

I am reading this book.

I am always reading a book.

((((side note)))

Those of you who know me well know that beside my bed is a stack of books overflowing and sprawling on, under and around my bedside table.

The library .

I love it.

Seriously.

I get books out and can't even read them all.

I get them out because I can.

I plan to read them all at some point in my life.

But just having the ability to request them and have them arrive...wow!

Picking them up and stacking them beside my bed..knowing that somehow they will impact my life...they are like good friends...provoking friends...but friends none the less.

I love the possibilities.

Libraries.

And second hand book stores.

Rapture. Divine. Euphoria.

ok..moving right along.

This book: GOD.COM (James Langteaux)

It gives me goosebumps...

total wreckage.

You know that statement in that movie..with that guy who married Katie Holmes..you know..the one where he is that soldier..lawyer person..who is defending two young soldiers and he is questioning that other famous guy..who played in one of the Batman movies..you know...ummm...Jack Nicholson... who has this line that is now famous and is overused by many guys when facing down the women in their lives:

the line that goes:

" You want the truth???? You can't handle the truth!!!!!!"

Well.

I am starting to believe him.

Not only can't I handle the truth.

I am not quite sure if I can tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth...even to myself.

See... I am too attached.

To my family.

To my friends.

To my comforts.

To my reputation.

To myself.

Hence my focus on Noah.

One against the entire world.

ENTIRE.

Complete.

Total.

Today that would be 1:6billion.

And I hate it when the dog doesn't like me.

This book has me over a barrel.

It is all about believing....what we believe about ourselves..and God.

And it is honest.

Brutally honest.

Uncomfortably honest.

ShOcKiNgLy HoNeSt.

Convictingly honest.

DAMN HONEST.

deadly honest

It is killing me.

It is resurrecting me.

God cannot inhabit a lie.

I have discovered many lies rooted within me.

established.

flourishing.

reproducing.

They are lies about me.

They are lies about God.

A friend called today and read me a quote from another great book: Irresistable Revolution.

We got talking some more and he asked: but how do we do it???

How do we reconcile this and merge this with what we are already doing?

This is an age of remodeling and renovating.

We can totally gut a house and leave the foundation and frame intact and renovate almost anything.

Rarely is there total demolition...

A complete removal.

Hence my focus on Elijah.

On the mountain.

With the bad dudes.

All the other prophets of the MOST HIGH had already been slaughtered.

Not good odds.

Builds an altar to re-establish the foundations of Israel in the face of their years of Baal worship.

( at this time the lines between the Israelites and worshipers of Baal were blurred)

Stands there while gallons of water are poured on the altar and the wood and the sacrifice until the water fills the trench around the whole thing.

When the fire comes...nothing is left standing...not even the stones.

This is where the truth about Juanita comes into play.

I make sacrifices.

I throw my sins on the altar.

I offer up many things to God.

I make sure the fire doesn't get out of hand.

I wear oven mitts.

I don't want to be demolished.

Undone.

Consumed.

Unmade.

I don't like dying.

Death by fire..... is not my cup of tea as my youngest would put it.

I like mergers.

Blending.

Creaming ingredients together.

Shading..

You get the picture.

The guy in God.com puts forth the idea that we CANNOT give up our idols independently.

We are too firmly attached.

They have their claws deeply embedded in us ...but we have our arms wrapped just as tightly around them.

Both idols and idol worshipers belong on the altar.

Total consummation.

Total wreckage.

See...

I am an eternal soul.

I emerge from the firestorm.

I stand amid the ashes.

Undone.

Remade.

Reclaimed.

Again.

and Again.

If I limit myself. I limit God.

This is not a merger.

This is a total consummation.

The truth about Juanita is: God knows the truth about me and for me to hide behind my wishes about myself...my beliefs...my gifts..my callings.. my roles..my faith....to hold onto MY LIFE... is not living at all.

No more...

My focus is shifting: from others ((the other 5 billion 999 million and so on others))....from myself... to the ONE..the only ONE...

Who IS truth.

Who does LOVE.

Who does KNOW.

I want to want to risk it all.

The truth about me is that I have always been his... human...broken...questioning...avoiding..hiding..running...

The truth about me is that HE has always been mine... waiting..watching..knowing...redeeming..loving

The truth about me is that I need the truth of who GOD really is to set me free...

and knowing it...

believing it...

walking it out...

is the only freedom there is.

I want to be free in-DEED.

I want the TRUTH...I was made for the TRUTH...

I can handle it Jack.

Environmental Change....

I have four sons.
Ranging in age from 12-17.
You do the math.

Ok...if you hate math and you just entered a black hole of inadequacy,
I'll do it for you:
We had four kids in a five year span.

Let's pause for a moment and let that sink in.

I can actually say those figures out loud now and not twitch.

Not much.

My 14 year old just spent 45 required minutes on the exercise bike.
The timer shrieks through the house and he bounces off and starts running from the living room..through the family room, up the stairs, through the kitchen, down the hall to the den and back again, pausing only to declare that he feels like he can run faster now and sets off to prove his analysis.

I know the feeling.
After 45 minutes on the bike, upon standing, my legs feel light.
This is the feeling you get when you've been at sea....from what I hear.
My experience at sea is limited to the ferry trips between Nova Scotia and PEI, before they built the bridge and the trip across the strait between Vancouver and Victoria.

I think I'll write a book.

Yeah well...I know some sailors...
hmmm....
Moving on...

(((grin)))

Coming back to land after months at sea, sailors must regain their "land legs."
Heading out to sea after shore leave they must get their " sea legs" back.

ewwwww...

Kind of sounds like there are vaults of lower extremities stored somewhere convenient in the bowels of the ship.
Would make a good CSI show if you ask me.

Coming out of one environment into another requires a period of adjustment.
The effects of being immersed in a specific environment carries over into a new environment until the body relearns or assumes new knowledge to sustain it.
Case in point: the staggering walk of a person who has been at sea for a long period...or the reverse.

Balance.
Realignment.
Leveling.

Habits acquired in one environment, necessary for survival are not necessarily transferable to another environment.

We all have environments we grew up in, moved out into...married into...divorced out of...applied for...studied in...work in...fell into...and some were inadvertently visited upon us...

Some good.
Some great.
Some not so.
Some beautiful.
Some liberating.
Some ugly.
Some fascinating.
Some captivating.
Some painful
Some deadly.

Planned and unplanned.
Some we have Chosen. Created.

Others were Inflicted.

Some we bask in.
Some we are still ensnared in.
Some we have escaped.

All influencing.
Impacting.

Environments change like seasons.
Pass like storms.
Thaw like winter into spring.

We carry over residue from one to the next.
Like sailors needing to regain their land legs.

I have people in my life who are staggering out of one environment into another.

Staggering.

Me too.

M e T o o...as in also....as well...moi aussi....


It's not all bad.
There are many rooms inside me filled with different pressure systems...different environments.
Music and laughter seep out from under the door of one room, while tears and groans filter down the hall from another.
We are multi faceted human beings...
Joyous and grieving.
Loving and hating.
Complex and simple.


It's ok.

We are under the watchful care of One who is the Master of Inconvenient TRUTH.
He is the highroller in the Environmental LOBBY.
He doesn't recycle:
He RE-MAKES...
RENEWS
and RESTORES...
He RECLAIMS what has always been HIS.

me.
you..
us....
ALL of us...

even them...

you know them...

...the ones staggering around bumping into us and bruising us
...and sometimes even knocking us down.

The ones with their own environmental woes....

them too...

I am never going into environmental law.

But I have decided..If I can hug a tree..save a penguin...a seal or a rare double striped twickerdoodle...

Then when someone in environmental chaos emerges...
...and it may be me staggering onto your horizon someday....
I want to do what I see my Father doing...
and put on an extra layer of grace...
a blanket of compassion...
and a helmet...with high speed connection to my Father's voice...

Just in case the first two get a bit shredded.

Cause I know me.

And sometimes that truth is DAMN inconvenient.

EXTREME iNtErAcTiVe intimacy

extreme:
"the highest degree"

Sounds exhausting.
Too much commitment.
Not enough time.
Too high maintenance.

interactive:
"to act on each other"

Sounds a bit excessive to me.
Sounds more than a bit invasive .
Definitely sounds uncomfortable.
Something to be avoided.
Personal space anyone...anyone?

intimate:
"most private and personal; deep and thorough"

You've got to be kidding right?
As if.
Not in a million.
Not going there.

The highest degree of action between you and another
where it is most private and personal...
deep and thorough.

Afraid?
Yet?

WHY???????

Vulnerable.
Unguarded.
Exposed.
Naked.
KNOWN.

Fear.....f E a R..... F E A R.....
gut wrenching..vomit inducing...
migraine producing...immobilizing..incapacitating
DEADLY
fear

Run.
As far as you can.
You will always arrive back here.
Why?
For this you were born.
For this you were made.

this is LIFE...
LIFE is this...

To KNOW and be KNOWN

You are known.... believe it.... hold fast to that truth...
You are known....and LOVED in spite of all the knowledge...or... because of it....

Enter.
Engage.
Interact. Extremely. Intimately.

Live.

5 Things I am Thankful For...Meme

I was tagged by Kelly to write this meme.

Thanksgiving is over.
I got the memo.
Now on to Christmas ...where the partying begins.
That's where the real money is.
You know....the loot...the bounty...the list as long as my arm.
The..."I know they really love me if they buy me....." season.
Or....."They never will, so I might as well prepare myself."
The internal dialogues over the month of December could probably give work to struggling young therapists for decades:

"I can't take being invisible for one more minute.... "
" This Christmas stuff is all fake anyways."
"Why can't they just see who I really am and accept me ?"
"Who said this is the season of giving...I am dying here..alone..."
"I can't afford this ...but I can't tell them..they'll never understand...they'll just think I am a failure."
"I hate them."
"I hate myself."
"WHO the HELL thought up Christmas anyways?"

There are millions, in this country alone, during this season, experiencing: loneliness, despair, terminal illness, abuse, abandonment, financial ruin, suicidal thoughts, debilitating fears and so on.
Oh God.
Thankful?
Damn straight!
I have not walked this earth for 40 years without my share of some of the above.
My journey has had some plot twists that I would never have chosen to put into the script.
But I am not writing my story...that falls into far better hands than mine.
Today I am simply grateful to be able to proclaim:

1. I am thankful for AWARENESS
I have always known there was a God. I have always known it is not just the destination..but the journey itself. I know I have never been alone...
That I can say the name of God with any intimacy or any clarity whatsoever...I am aware..is a miracle.
I am aware that love does not originate in me but fills me and flows through me....for this awareness I am thankful.

2. I am thankful for GRACE
Without it I could not breathe...I could not look on others with love... I could not accept myself.
It sustains me in my dark places...where I have failed..and continue to struggle.
It accomplishes the miracle of allowing me to call myself child of God.
The bible says GRACE ABOUNDS....that I can handle.
Abounding GRACE... for this I am thankful.

3. I am thankful for BELIEF
The knowledge that God believes in me and thus creates the ability for me to believe in him...is truly the foundational element of my entire existence. The capacity to believe and keep on believing is rooted in the knowledge that HE keeps me there...thank GOD...yes you God...for this I give deep thanks.

4. I am thankful for TRUST
In a world full of broken trust, you might ask how this is possible.
Am I perfectly trustworthy?
Have I ever broken my word?
The answers are no and yes.
How does that foster a thankfulness for TRUST you wonder....
Well...
There is not a person on the planet who is worthy of all trust.
PERIOD.
But still I choose to trust and work at holding the trust of those God has chosen to share my life with. I trust the Father's ability to hold all things together in the midst of utter chaos...
I trust his knowledge of the present, his interpretation of the past and his design for the future. How it all plays out is in his court.
Sometimes I hurt people.
Most definitely not on purpose.
It is possible to hurt someone by simply being you... in the moment.
And sometimes I am wrong.
I trust God to redeem those moments and balance it all out...because I am not capable of explaining things as clearly as he is.
I trust him to make me worthy of the trust of others...and to keep trust with me.
For this I am thankful.

5. I am thankful for HOPE
A long time ago I wrote in a journal this statement:

"Hope is never lost ... it is abandoned..."
I still hold to that statement, but I would like to add to it:

"Hope is never lost...it is abandoned...but though abandoned it still does it's work."

That is not meant as a criticism to those who feel they are without hope.

The truth is...until our last breath and beyond there is hope, whether we believe in it or not.
We were not the architects of our creation...what gives us the right or ability to say what is and is not possible?
There is a force at work in the world...in us.
It is woven into our parts.
It beats with our hearts.
Courses through our veins.
Resonates with every breath.
It is like the seed of a plant that falls into a crack in the pavement or in the crevice of a rock. Over time and with great effort the plant breaks free and makes its way towards the sun though hard pressed on every side.
The goal is the sun.
Plants surge towards it....trees throw up their many limbed arms in glorious panoramic worship....birds sing at rising and setting...waters reflect its light.
With all of creation around indicating that seasons are not permanent...dawn always approaches...the storm always ends...life finds a way...

Hope springs eternal because its source is in THE ETERNAL.

..And the Eternal never abandons.. He cannot. He is constant. He is present. Always.

Now ABIDES these three things... faith ...HOPE and Love...
Hope ABIDES...it cannot be lost...for this I am truly thankful.

Thankfulness is a state of being...not limited to good times, gift giving...or turkey infested holidays. It exists in bodies racked with pain, children who have next to nothing...men who have lost their jobs...women who have lost their babies....it can be found in the darkest of places, in the most confining of prisons around the world.

Thanks be to God.

Wonder....

So I just got back from spending $366 at Superstore. My reward for spending this exhorbitant amount of money is a free turkey ( I am not required to cook one this year) and a $25 gift card.
Why don't they give you option B: $50 off your current bill???????
Nuff said????
Definitely not.
Filling the cart seems not very difficult..filling the bank account that fills the cart is another matter all together. Filling four teenage boys and keeping them full is nigh on impossible.

The season is upon us. You know the one. The feasting and gifting and celebrating one. The one where it is ok to be emotionally attached to your food. No! It's more than ok..it is required!

Ok...just a minute...I have to take a break here and let you in on what is going on in my house as I write this:
One of the items I bought in the aforementioned cart was a mesh bag full of mixed nuts...in their shells of course. Tradition must be upheld even though technology has provided us with shelled nuts in various forms which we can eat by the handful..and I mean FULL...without any labor on our part at all. A handy dandy advancement in my estimation. Today I participated in tradition and brought this item home. At the present, as a result of not being able to find the barbaric tool known as a nut cracker, my sons are randomly trying to crack the nuts with their teeth ( massive dental bills looming), throwing them on the hardwood floor, slamming them on the counter and my all time favorite: using my garlic press.

Nuff said.

You may now return to your regular program.

Today I was fixated on money. On how much it took to feed, shelter and clothe us all. Feed us healthily with very little extras and no eating out; clothe us at second hand stores and shelter us in Manitoba which is way less expensive than Calgary where we used to live.

Money... money... money... tis that season as well.

As I arrived at my father's home after shopping, to pick up three boxes of deer meat GIVEN to us by a family friend, I was informed that my sister Suez was trying to get in touch with me.

This is where the WONDER kicks in.

Everything else fades away.

The grocery bill.

The need for winter boots.

The need for winter everything.

Contemplating the size of our first heating bill arriving next week.

As I get off the phone with Suez and we message back and forth on facebook... I am in awe of how quickly everything shifts and how perspective changes ...how the wonder of it all seeps in and overshadows all the cares.

People.

Sisters.

Friends.

Eternal souls mixed up in our everyday lives.

The stresses of life can overwhelm, especially in the season we are entering.
The dollar signs: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ can dominate the landscape..if you let them.

GOD is bigger..more majestic and awe-inspiring than my bank account whether it be in the red or in the black.

HE made me ...in his image...for intimacy... he created me for love.. to love...

Today I heard my sister's voice. We talked about our desire for friendship and made plans for the week.... to be with each other, to share with each other....

Heaven on earth....

Oh the Wonder.....

Calvin and Hobbes 101...

The harsh ring of the telephone awoke me around 7am. It rang only once depriving me of the privilege of seeing the number come up on call display and subsequently calling the poor miserable soul who disturbed my Saturday morning sleep-in and giving them WHAT FOR???

I lay in bed with that grit your teeth knowledge that further sleep was a fantasy fast growing ridiculous by the fact that two of my sons were awake in the living room and one was industriously stirring up the coals and rebuilding the fire in the wood stove.

My first intellectual reading of the day came from: "The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes" which has irretrievably set the tone for my day....and I quote:

"Despite that amazing display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, your tail still has a death grip on your butt."

Ahhhh the incomparable wisdom. Matchless. Priceless. Ruthless.

What can I say?

Rob Bell...of Velvet Elvis fame...and myriad NOOMA videos, has just released his latest clip called Name. One of the most freeing statements he makes is this:
"You have to claim your past...you might not like it, be proud of it or anything ..but you have to own it. It is yours."

Rob Bell....Calvin and Hobbes...

who da thunk it?

I look back over the years and yep...they're still there. Firmly attached. I can't do anything about it. Sure I try...I chase my tail with the best of them. In fact I have regular Olympic Style events randomly scheduled in. I award myself prizes and plan future events based on my level of proficiency at the moment.

Like Hobbes I lay out on the floor after such an event and feebly request:

"Could you stop the room please, I'd like to get off!"

And I do sometimes. I just get off at that stop.
I pull the cord...
I walk to the nearest exit.
I get off.

The problem is, at that moment...I am nowhere. I am trapped by something that no longer exists. I am defined by something that IS NOT NOW.... and IS NOT ME.

I ask myself questions all day long because I am suspicious of my own opinion which comes out as statements of fact quite regularly. Oh sure..there are things I am sure of...I am sure of God. I don't understand him, but that has never been a prerequisite.
I know my story, however, my interpretation of my story as it has unfolded for 40 years is in constant rewriting mode. I realize that I can only be where I am at in the moment and that in the moment I only have the wisdom present at the time. Which is why...the past remains firmly attached to my BUTT. Because God in his wisdom is making all things new...including me. He allows me and causes me to grow and as I pursue HIM..even without fully understanding him, I see the landscape more clearly.
The future is unknown.
The past is known...but in need of perspective...
Basically as I grow, God gives me improved vision...at 40 this is a good thing.

The catch is: I have to LOOK in order to see.

I have to own my story.

And I need to let God be the one who tells it.

Because even though we both were there...I think he always had the best seat.

Good Morning..How Do you Feel Today?

I watched the sun rise this morning after cleaning out the ashes from my wood stove and getting another fire blazing merrily. COLD. Enough said!
Tall evergreens stand straight and tall, etched against a mesmerizing blue sky casting long shadows on the glistening snow like fence lines across the back yard. A pileated woodpecker adorns one of the branches of the oak tree outside my bedroom window.
It's a new day.
I feel like crap.
My chest hurts with the inner working out of issues and beliefs about myself and my relationships that are not in keeping with the captivating beauty of this morning landscape.
I hurt.
I wrestle.
I question.
I cry.
I surrender.
Not to the feelings...but to something bigger.
More than anything I want truth and the freedom it brings with it.
I need to feel these things because my feelings reveal my beliefs.
Not all these beliefs are rooted and grounded in TRUTH...
Just because I believe something ...doesn't make it true.
Believe me.. there are many things coming up lately in my life engendering feelings that are dehibilitating, crippling and cause nausea to rise in the back of my throat.
They swarm over me and seem to consume my entire landscape.
There are days when simply breathing hurts like hell.
Jeremiah the prophet comes to mind.
The name Jeremiah means: "to hurl or thrust as into calamity"
I am so there.
The world we live in and the relationships we are surrounded with are full of calamity.
We are thrust into these situations and lives full of our own inner struggles...like being held inside the fist of God.
Some of the most meaningful words I find in the book of Jeremiah go something like this :
"I have loved you with an everlasting love...I have drawn you forth with lovingkindness"
He always has. Loved me that is. And he continues to draw me forth...from disaster, beliefs, calmity...out of my emotions..into his reality.
How do I feel?
I feel many things today, but I am not going to stop there...I am going to discover, in the drawing forth, what these feelings are saying...and where I need to surrender and what I need to hold onto...
So...Good Morning...How are you feeling this morning?

Emerging...the light is blinding and I can't see!

Seriously, I have been wallowing in the dark for some time now. I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. I used to be scared of the dark.That is no longer the case. The dark is comforting, safe....unchallenging...sedating. The dark lets me be. I can't even see me, but who cares.

Being the person I am, however, I must emerge. I can't stand myself for long in that state. Self loathing is bad in the dark because there is no room for truth and although glimmers of light pierce the darkness every once in a while...you can close your eyes and pretend it never really happened. When you open them again the cocoon of darkness is there to embrace you yet again.

Emerging hurts. Pain..lots of pain. My muscles are cramped, my skin is sensitive...and my eyes..OH GOD! I have discovered that as a child I was afraid of the dark, but as an adult the light is much more fear inspiring. The light is lethal, uncompromising..terrifying in it's unveiling powers. Light rushes through every available opening that there is, it pierces every crack and crevice. It illuminates, exposes and reveals. It cast shadows when something stands in its path and reveals with perfect clarity the blockage.

Today I have emerged with a will stronger than I thought I had... the battle was fierce and I am shaking but still standing. My eyes hurt and I feel pale and unsubstantial. I can feel the tremors deep in my core.

Having left the "sheltering dark" I can see the lie for what it is... while there, I saw the light separate from the landscape : ruthless and uncaring, savage in it's intensity, unforgiving in it's revelations. Now that I stand shaking on the edge of the shadows I know that the LIGHT is the SHELTER, it is the landscape, it is the source. Light holds and caresses, warms and sustains... enables, enlivens and shows everything for what it is.

I am beautiful. I am alive.... I was blind... and after I stop tearing up in the brightness...I will see again!