Naked and Exposed

Life.

This is it people.

It is what you are doing right now.

Breathing, working, drinking coffee, doing laundry....
Studying, paying the bills, getting engaged, driving...
Laughing, loving, running, eating....
Crying, dying, hurting, hiding...
Searching...

At this moment we are all living.

How are you doing?

Fine?

The operative word of our day.

FINE.

Anything more than that response takes time, energy and strength...
Any other answer takes courage and humility... honesty and resolve...

Our days are full of activities.
Maintaining our worlds.
Supporting our choices and beliefs with actions.
This is what we do.
This is who we have become.
It's amazing how long we can go on... covered by our lives.
Shrouded in the everyday.
Wrapped up in motherhood, fatherhood...
The consummate employee...the daring adventurer
The responsible civil servant...the compassionate care giver...
Best Friend...faithful lover... responsible son or daughter...
It's all good.

When is the last time you really stripped it all away and stood naked?

When is the last time you came out from behind the mask...from behind the cardboard cutout of the moment...

Ever since the garden man has been well aware that nakedness is not something to aspire to.

We have dreams of being naked in a crowd.

We cover ourselves.

We are embarrassed....full of shame.

If we are honest ...not many of us can stand comfortably naked in front of ourselves...not to mention in front of anyone else.

Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

Bottom line.

We fear it.

What if they see that?
What if they notice that?
What if they realize that?

What if.

Then.

What???????

What?

What!!!!!!!!

What if they know?

God.

We spend entire lives covering ourselves.
Hiding our true natures...our true selves.
Our perceived flaws, warts, weaknesses...
All the time peering through the gloom at other's apparently un-hidible issues.

For instance: smoking, obesity, alcoholism and gambling...rage
Not easily hidden.

Others more easily masked: greed, selfishness, lust, envy, strife, pride....arrogance..lying.

Have you ever heard yourself say: "Well they made bad choices...so that's why they ended up in that situation. I made better choices so what I have God blesses...it's mine."

?????

Or... something like this: "They got themselves into this mess, they can get themselves out."

??????

I am sure glad God didn't think that way.

I was born with a high metabolism.
I never struggled a day in my life with my weight.
Until the last few years.
It is all relative.
I used to wonder how people ended up overweight.
Well...in some small part I now know.
Mix hard times...with depression...and more hard times....physical illness and inactivity..with aging...and a growing emotional attachment to my food for comfort... and there you have it.

What about money....
Possessions.
What about rage...
Manipulation.
What about status.
Position.
What about accumulation...
Ownership.
What about judgment...criticism...
Labeling.

Thank God he did not feel the same way about us as we do about each other.

It is 2008.

Isn't it time we got naked?

Truly.

The lie is that we have so much to lose.

All that we have.
Our reputations.
Our image.
Our stuff.
Our relationships.

I write from my life here.
I was done a long time ago with the mask.
I am far from finished.
I have lost relationships.
I have hurt people.
I have been injured.
I have systematically been stripping away...my leaves... while still attempting in some sort of feeble way to cover myself with my own hands or shadows.

I have help.

The One.

Who fashioned the first coverings... with sacrifice.
He is helping me.
Supporting me.
Surrounding me.
Empowering me.

One of my good friends has a son doing his DTS with YWAM in Hawaii. The group recently spend the night on a black volcanic sand beach. The wind was so high that they dug trenches and slept under the trucks. The next day their exposed skin was smooth like a baby's.

Sand...driven by wind....scours.

Nakedness is not comfortable.
Especially in this climate.

I refer to the climate of a society fraught with secrets...
...full of defense mechanisms brought on by fear, and a desperate drive to anesthetize our pain.

This is where we live.

When will we begin to really see the "LEAST OF THESE"... not as less than ourselves.. but as ourselves in any given moment????

When will we begin to LOVE God with all our hearts, souls, mind and strength...
AND....
Our neighbors as ourselves?

We can't yet.

We don't love ourselves.

We feed ourselves...we clothe ourselves...we accumulate..we are gluttons...we inoculate ourselves... we surround ourselves with comforts... we protect ourselves... and work our asses off securing our futures.

THIS IS NOT LOVE.

Love awaits.

Strip down.

Take it all off.

Let him help.

Step out of the shadows.

Take a deep breath.

Naked and exposed....you will never be the same.

Neither will your world.

Obsessed with the Weather...a true Canadian Girl!

-43 degrees Celsius with the windchill as I write.
-51 forecast for tonight.
The Weather Network is the most frequently visited site on our computer.

I am Canadian.

True blue.

Through and through.

Residing rebelliously and somewhat resentfully in the center of the country 35 minutes from Canada's coldest southernmost city, I find myself consumed by the violence of my emotions ... severely taxed by the obscene cold.
I am undone.
I hear often..."you'll get used to the cold"....

I reply in my mind facetiously: " who the hell wants to?"

I feel like if I don't suffer in silence...or struggle valiantly to overcome my malevolent aggression against such bitter imprisonment..then I am not strong...or courageous or hardy enough.
I must wrestle myself into submission: You will learn to like it damn it... there is no lumping it here!

My friends here think I am doing well...I know the truth.

Even those who endure this climate year after year...talk about it incessantly...marvel again and again at the cold.. comparing and contrasting to previous years, predicting the coming year with great passion and conviction.

My God...at least it gives us something to talk about.

I am staying close to the fire today.
Thank God we went and got more wood last night.
I appreciate the irony of a transplanted Maritimer become BC girl...ending up in Manitoba...and living to whine about it.
Everyone here laughs and proclaim loudly and repeatedly that they would take the sun and frigid arctic temperatures over the rain ...but you can see the lie in their eyes.

Oh yes you can.

This cold hurts.

Truly.

Physical movement is painful and sitting in less than comfortable automobiles before they are sufficiently warm is a common occurrence: simply because, to let them warm up that long would compromise our contribution to air quality.

Not that anyone is really concerned about the atmosphere and global warming at -51 degrees.

I have a friend in England who is fascinated with our weather ( a true Canadian in his heart ..despite his British passport) and would just love to be traipsing about freezing his a** off...the novelty alone making it an adventure. He keeps abreast of our weather like someone else would follow the stock market or the hockey scores.

This rant is for him.

Speaking of Passion....

I am passionate about not living half of my life...
( half a year each and every year)
struggling to suppress my abhorrence for this type of cold.

I confess.

I have bad words inside my head...mixed up with maniacal laughter at the inevitability of it all.

I just had to prove I could do it...that I wasn't a wimp:

I could make it through a Manitoba winter and come out swinging...

The rafters in my family room are looking closer than ever....

Sigh...

IMHO...

Life is too short to spend such an inordinate amount of time talking about something that we have no control over except to the degree that we choose where we park our bodies on the map.

I want a new parking spot.

...and about our OCD-ishness on the weather...in this day and age we should have some sort of prescription med for that... some sort of medical diagnosis/analysis that gets me some relief.

Ok...I am freezing in my den...too long removed from the wood stove.

Excuse me....must go exercise my fortitude so as to endure another day... like a true Canadian...

Has anyone seen my leg warmers?

Nuthatches...Bush Bunnies and Other Assorted Creatures

Dawn approaches but has not yet cracked the horizon.
All indicators are there...the reality moments away.
A nuthatch graces the perch of our bird feeder,
while a bush bunny nibbles at some branches under our trees.

My heart sings.

It's a new day.

This is my Father's world.

It proclaims loudly that he is good.

The trees from their lofty height sway to the music hidden in the wind.
The sky...an ever changing tapestry to his artistry.
His creatures...a tribute to his care and provision.

My thoughts today...gathered in from my current cares, are centered on this:

I am his daughter... he is a GOOD Father.

He delights in me.

A lone chickadee inspects the landscape from his seat in the oak tree.
Searching for competitors for those last bits of seeds remaining.
His flight is like a dance filled with dips and swoops.
"Look", my father says as he smiles, " They know where their source is."

Today I choose again.
To feast at His table.

"No good thing does he withhold...
O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."( Ps. 84:11-12)

The sun has crested the horizon and a million frost crystals glimmer like jewels in it's light.

Ahhhhhh...

I so want to be a reflection of his light.
To absorb his beauty, and give it back to the world.

This is my prayer... to know you Lord...to love you...
to love those you love!

Look around today...
no...
Don't just look...

SEE.

The Lord... He IS good....

His mercy endures forever, his faithfulness reaches to the skies.

His care is extended to the least of all his creatures..
nuthatches, bush bunnies, chickadees...

... and ME.

How much more so are his eyes on those whom he has suffered and died for.
To those who he fashioned in his own image..
for the purpose of...

communion

love

SEE

Deconstructing

Strolls down memory lane sound idyllic in theory but in practice can be more like facing the monster under the bed.

This week I took one.

Although figuratively speaking it was more of a headlong rush deep into the past. A free fall generated by a simple statement made by my husband on our sofa in front a warm fire cocooned in a blanket as an added barrier against the obscene cold of a -45 degree day.

The specific statement he made is irrelevant to this conversation...and the ensuing emotional rollercoaster ride of 3 days is not something I will burden you with.

Suffice to say it involved copious amounts of tears, heart felt healing prayer, repentance and a profound sense of release following decades of imprisonment.

How can it be that a 40 year old woman minding her own business, living life and walking daily with her maker..can be so long ensnared....trapped, deceived and blind?

I once heard someone describe our lives as a building of Jenga blocks. We go along...building each block one on top of the other. When crisis hits the building gets out of balance and threatens to fall over and we, with a driven instinct to survive, add wedges ( coping mechanisms) to the tower in order to support it... thus preventing total collapse.

As we get older, if we stood back we would see a tower of blocks slanting crazily this way and that supported at major points by these wedges.

As children we interpret our surroundings and experiences through immature eyes. If threatened we develop beliefs and coping skills to deal with and categorize the threat.
As we gain more experiences we shore up our beliefs.... throwing out things that do not match up...adding to what we can accept as true: based on our experiential knowledge.

Our beliefs strengthen and grow...because we feed them.

I can attest to the fact that while we spend the major part our formative years developing beliefs...God spends our mature years deconstructing them.

"Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces, but he will heal us.
He has injured us, but he will bind up our wounds." Hosea 6:1

We are into self preservation from our conception.
Our instinct to survive is remarkable.

His desire for our restoration is stronger.
His love is deeper and more compelling.

Picture him systematically removing each wedge we created in order to keep our worlds from falling about our ears.

Deconstruction...followed by reconstruction.

As a seeker and believer in Jesus Christ...I have spent my life learning about him, learning to be like him, learning to love him and hear him.
At the same time I have discovered that I have in my heart and mind.... false gods that I serve in the name of God. Beliefs supported by childhood experience and fed for decades unknowingly.

I have served a god who abandons.
A god who is not kind.
A god who takes and demands.
One who teases and taunts and tests.
One who measures and finds wanting.

I have made vows to these gods.
I have offered sacrifices to these gods.
I have named them GOD.

A friend of mine explained it this way:

A match in a room fully lighted is unnoticeable.
A match in the dark is like the sun.

I have fully lit rooms inside...full of the glory of God.
I have dark rooms in the basement...in need of a match.

We humans have perfected the art of making god in our own image....or the image of those around us.
Thus the problem between people and the church today.
Equating God...with us....
What a mess.

Jesus said...if you have seen me you have seen the father.

Dream on people...I am so not there yet.
But I want to be.

The God of the bible....is good, kind, patient, loving, compassionate, forgiving, understanding.
If our actions or choices or beliefs support some other expression...

Well...the command : "thou shalt have no other gods before me", takes on a whole new relevance.

The God of the bible draws us forth with loving kindness...into the light.

In one random moment this week... he offered me a choice...exposed a dark room to the light of his love...identified the lie...
My part...a minor role in the scheme of things: was to acknowledge, repent and surrender...

He tore me open...tore down the tower...
He did all the work.
I just said yes.

I am exhausted.
But hopeful.
Trusting....in his knowledge of me, that he will complete the work he has begun.

He is who he says he is....
The journey of deconstructing continues...

He has the schedule...I just have to show up.

Stop.

Stop.

That's all she said.

It was enough.

That word penetrated like nothing else could, the hardness in my heart brought on by:
too much sun, too little shade,
too much drought, too little rain
too much heat, too little strength
too much pressure, too little respite....
too many sand fleas..too little cover...
too many questions..too few answers.

Sometimes all it takes is a word.

One word.

To turn your world upside down.
Or should I say....right side up?

My prayers were ended.
My lips were silent.
My heart was still.
My mind empty.
My hands hanging.

For all intents and purposes.
To my limited understanding, this more than slightly resembles a dead person.

If you know me at all...you know I have confessed quite openly to being performance driven.
Something that is inherently woven into my DNA..and is being slowly and methodically killed off in my life.
Translate this innate behavior over into a relationship with the creator of the Universe and you get a girl of 40 years old... searching the scriptures/and the cosmos for ways to guarantee that my actions will add up to successful encounters with God ...and fantastic outcomes in my daily life as a result.

However...being human, my capacity for 100% consistency in the behaviors necessary to my mind, to guarantee the continuous flow of blessings of the Master of the Universe; this capacity?
Is severely limited.
Therein is my dilemma...
I am always searching for the reason..the error..the sin..that is hindering the flow.
The ever elusive key.
I see myself excavating a dig...( the internal landscape of my life) and continually bringing to the surface items unearthed ....and throwing them on this huge altar overseen by this massive, perfect, HOLY being.
I have my hands full as you can imagine.
I am covered with dirt.
I am sweaty.
I am sunburned.
I am exhausted.
I am a slave to the process.

The burden of self excavation is unbearable.
It cannot be borne for long.

It was not meant to be borne by me at all.

STOP.

My silent scream was: "I can't!"

Finally, yesterday I was so far gone...I could.

Yes...finally.

I could.

Stop.

God spoke.

Cheryle listened.

She relayed the message.

My mind was done.

My spirit was open.

I was able to be breached.

At my core I knew.

And accepted.

My life is a prayer.

NOT just my words.

I am not just IN Christ.
He is also IN me.

I live on the altar.
In the fire of the presence of God.
His holiness does the revealing.
The purifying.
The cleansing.
The living.
The dying.
The resurrecting.

Where ever I am.
What ever I am doing.

Yesterday I looked my life square in the eye.
Acknowledged it.
And went and watched a movie.
With a glass of wine.

I realize that the closer I get to God....the more I am aware of my machinations to manipulate him.
I don't come to him without strings.
I realize that I am trussed up with my desires, urges and expectations...my thirst for knowledge and understanding...
...of Right and Wrong.
I am bound by homesickness for God alone that is masked in a million ways of my own creating.
Only God can make me alive...and sustain that life.
I can't quicken myself.

STOP.

There is a passage in a book I read ages ago by Gene Edwards...called "The Choice" that gives imagery to this profound truth:

"...when she was least thinking of any purpose behind her supplications...something began happening within her. Like a fire at the edge of a field, (His) peace invaded a small corner of her soul....."

Yesterday I got it.

..and when I finally stopped.... something funny happened...

God didn't.

Quirks: Meme

Tag I'm it.
There are rules to being it..here they are: on Kelly's Blog cause cut and paste is not working.

Quirky?
I think you have to tilt your head to the side when you say that word.
I am sorry.
In my head quirky and perky go together....probably because they rhyme...
it must be that because....wellllllllll...I can't be both.
Please don't anyone comment and tell me I'm perky.
Groan.
I just might have to hurt you!

Quirk #1: I have safe places for things that are important....and I still have no idea where I've put them. The solution, my long suffering husband says: is to keep a list of my safe places.
But to my mind that perpetuates the cycle: where would I keep the list? In a safe place of course..you see my dilemma.

Quirk #2: I rub my nose....it is always itchy...inside and out. I have allergies. I can stick my fingers up my nose and scratch my eye. Some would call it picking...semantics I say.

Quirk#3: I hit people. Seriously. Stand next to me and I will hit you while I am talking. Slap you on the shoulder...shove you...push you....all in love of course. However....I have been known
to do this with people I have just met. Sorry...if you are reading this and have a restraining order against me. It is unintentional. The truth is I am not aware of it until I am in the thick of it...or after.....

Quirk# 4 I say...ya know? A lot!

Quirk # 5 I am OCD-ish about spelling....it reminds me of splinters.

Quirk#6 I love removing splinters. The bigger the better. Now you know.

I have noticed with the passage of time that the weirdness/quirkiness increases.
Or my awareness...and acceptance of my idiosyncrasies...increases with age.
Either way...I am much more comfortable in my skin.

I tag Shawn and Cheryle.

Can We?

I was talking to a friend on the phone today.
She was relating a story involving her youngest son, a hot frying pan, burnt fingers and a bad word. It is funny how we hone in on the bad word and the rest fades away.
Scenarios flood my mind from the past.
Where sins were addressed.
Mistakes and errors revealed, reviled and duly repented of.
My particular favorite:
Bad words washed out with soap.
Lies like wise.

How often were the actions addressed: and the heart left abandoned.

A person never acts without his heart.

We can't separate who we are from what we do.

We think....Bad people do bad things.

Right?

No matter what you say.....
This is what we believe.

We also say..bad things happen to good people....

They are two completely different worlds of thought.

Like...bad people who do bad things are actively pursuing the good ones
and good people are the ones that have those bad people doing bad things to them.

Good people never do bad things to others....
They would then be bad people.....

So...do good people live around other good people?
Is there some sort of Utopian club that exists....in some sort of Utopian neighborhood...
with Utopian pets who never dig in other good people's gardens...because that would be a bad thing happening to a good person...and there are no bad people around to do those things....soooooo

Hmmmmm.

And what are bad things anyways.
Those bad things that happen to good people?
Would that be...
Car crashes?
House fires?
Or maybe....
Robbery?
Rape?
Assault?
Murder?

And are the people responsible for these actions bad....or did bad things happen to good people say...weeks, months or years before..so that now a good person is doing something bad...

hmmmmmm.

What about sickness and disease?

Cancer.
bad thing.
Friend Mike.
Good man....good friend

ALS.
bad thing
Friend Stephen.
Good man...amazing father/husband/friend

Fibromyalgia
Chronic Fatigue.
Bad things
Kelly.
Awesome woman...great friend.

What about money?

Lots of bad things happen with and without money.
Check out the line at your local food-bank...tavern....casino..movie theatre
Check out your local malls.
Check out the credit counseling services online...or bankruptcy info websites.
Check your local eating establishments for emaciated starving children, oops right..that's Africa...Central America
Walk the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver....or pick your city.
Watch your Pastor friend struggle to make ends meet...while his wife works full time and runs the Sunday School...while working Sunday afternoons at her regular job.

Debt.
Bankruptcy.

Bad things.

Good people?
Bad people?

Shit.

The new racism...is not one born of color or nationality.

It is born of wealth...and the lack there-of.

The separation is getting wider and wider.
Differentiation.
Segregation.
No need for signs saying: "poor not welcome"....the prices prohibit by themselves.
Haves and Have Nots.
Successful...and Not.
Self made....both ways?

Right and wrong.

Good and bad.

Damn.

You know...you write.... you listen...you bleed...you wonder out loud.

Is anyone listening?

Does anyone care?

What is this thing that we have become?

What do we want?
What is the deal?

We want to live.

Real.
Raw.

Intimate.

Questioning.

Is this working?

There are an awful lot of people out there who are sporting burned fingers and speaking bad words. Full of pain and anger. Possessing hearts and souls. I don't think a cake of Ivory soap for all it's 99% pure qualities will do the trick.

More than marriages are breaking up in todays cultural chaos.

The ability to have intimate, connected...sharing...common..community is fading like perfume on the wind. We are disconnecting from each other at a rapid rate. It has been increasing..this decay...eroding at the framework of our world....and our lives.

Ah...the great deception.
Separation.
Preservation.
Death.

Ah the greatest truth.
Communion.
Unity.
Life.

can we do it?
reverse the trend?
stop the isolating paralysis?
come together?
rescue?
nourish?
touch?
share?

live?

love?

can we?

Post-mortem

Depressed?
Ya think?

According to Webster's Dictionary, depressed is defined as the following:

1. low in spirits: sad esp: affected by psychological depression.

check

2. vertically flattened

check

3. having the central part lower than the margin.

my center today is definitely lower than the margin. check.

4. lying flat or prostrate

my face bears the marks of a hardwood floor imprint. check.

5. being below the standard.

I am so far below...the standard is out of sight. check.


Post-mortem....after death.

I have figured something.
Death immortalizes.
Values skyrocket.
Someone not seeming so worthy in life..takes on perfection, value..significance, after they die.
And they can make a lot of money!

Who the hell thought that up?

Where is he?
I hope he's dead....cause I'd be serving time if I found out he was a neighbor.

There's money in dying.

Just ask Elvis...or Picasso...Monet... or Freddy Mercury.

Just ask Jesus.

They're raking in the dough... boy have they got it made.

post-mortem.

tilt.

God.

I can't stand it.

I had a raving conversation...no..lets be honest... MONOLOGUE.. with my maker today.

Questioning the value of my life..in comparison to the prospect of the value of my death.

Is there value only to be found in me after I die?

Cause I am dying here.
I know I am.

We can talk all we want about making all the right moves...choices..decisions...
Sowing good things to reap the profit.
I made it cause I did it right.
Look...I am worth...this much $$$$$$$... I have this many...( fill in the blanks)..I am set for life..my retirement package is all tied up with a bow...sweet.

Proof...of a life worthwhile.

If that is it..then I am worthless.
Nothing.
Less than nothing.

Post-mortem is the only way.

It's amazing.

Jesus..while he lived:
Turned an entire world against him...
bad PR manager.
Had no place to lay his head...
sorry excuse for a real-estate agent.
Was completely misunderstood...
needs better communication skills.
Was betrayed by a friend....
wrong clique.
Was denied by another while in jail....
bad choice of drinking buddies.
Was slaughtered....
terrible mentoring.

When alive he did many extraordinary things.

He saved lives.
He healed.
Loved with passion.
He forgave.
He rescued.

The leaders of his day?
The ones playing for the same team? (( so it was published))
They killed him for it.

His value increased...POST MORTEM.

He's a money maker now.

So it seems.

You know the bottom?

Where we all end up?

Well I am lying on my back staring up at it.

I am in a wasteland of belief.

The funny thing is...

I do.

Still believe that is.

See nothing has changed.

God is God.

I am me.
My situation is ....what it is.
No job.
No money.
Debt.
Bills.
Shame.
Guilt.
Despair.

Post-mortem looks good.

Then I think.

Sometimes it's easier to die for what you believe.....than to live for it.

Jesus dying didn't start on the cross....it started long before.

TRUTH!

His value was not in death...his value was in him from his inception, no matter what anyone else said or did.

The same goes for me.

and you....

Today I know that no matter what happens...no matter how it looks to anyone...

Value and worth have been bestowed eternally upon me by the one who made me..at my inception.....

Before I was in my mother's womb...HE KNEW ME...((Psalm 139))

My life looks all in the red today...not a good thing according to other sources...

I like to think that in God's view of things, it is exactly true.

The blood of one....
For the lives of all....

Today...I am going to exhaust the red....dive deep in it....

What Are You Looking At?

The first question that popped into my head upon awaking this morning was just that.
What are you looking at?

We live in a generation of self-help, pop psychology..and pay millions of dollars for hours of therapy...and medicate when the self help and therapy doesn't work.

Please hear me.
All meds aren't wrong.

Therapy is good.

Read...discover...acknowledge...change.

Although...
It can all become very self absorbing.
Very quickly.
I know.
From Experience.
I am seriously analytical for being such a creative person.
I think I am what they call mixed dominance.

I live deep.

Sometimes I forget however..that the depths I exist in are in God not myself.....

I become the focus..exploring, analyzing..investigating..excavating.

This morning I had a clear view of myself...self-help just took on a whole new aura.

It is IMPOSSIBLE.

See the ancient text tells us that Jesus..the Christ..the Son of God..the savior, redeemer of all mankind...HE is the author..and finisher of my faith.

HE wrote me.
HE knew my beginnings....he knows the plot line and he knows the end of the tale.

It says in the same passage right before this that I am to FIX my eyes on Jesus.

Whew.

I have a friend who is for all intents and purposes, in his last week of life.
He is dying of ALS.
I read his blog today.
One of the comments left by a friend was a story of how silver is refined.
This was in reference to a passage in Malachi 3:3 which states that:
" ...he sits like a refiner of silver..."
Research into the refining process reveals that a silversmith holds the silver in the center of the fire where it is the hottest. He cannot leave the silver but must remain during the whole process..never taking his eyes off the silver..which can be destroyed if left in the fire a moment too long. When asked how one knows when the process is complete, the silversmith replies:

'That's easy...when I see my reflection in it."

oh God!

This morning....God reminded me that he is the reason for my being.

He is the refiner.

I am in his care.

He is watching over me.

He started the whole process and oversees it to its completion.

In my over analytical...compulsive need to verify where I am and how I am doing... to solidify my position...and give reason to my life, I sometimes forget what it is all about.

What am I looking at?

Me???????

I am not that good looking!

I need to change my focus.

I need to allow him to do what he does best.

Let him get on with it...and stop messing around in his business.

Easy and light...that's what he said.


My friend Stephen...whose body is decaying by the second?
What do you say?
Where is my analysis now?
What am I looking at?
I don't know!

I know what I want.

I want him restored.
I want him healed.
NOW!

What am I seeing?

Where am I looking?

The only place left to look.
In the eyes of the one who has gone before.
Those are his footprints leading off into the distance.
I can't guarantee the terrain, the weather or the duration of the journey or the state of my body at the end.
Do I truly mean it when I say:
"Where he leads I will follow?"
or...." I surrender all"
What about the Kevin Prosch song we all belted out back in the day...
" When you've been broken..broken to pieces... and you crush me like a rose..."

In a world fraught with identity theft it is no wonder we seek to make our mark..to not be invisible..to establish ourselves...to become more and more concrete. We are conditioned by our environment.

Somebody please look at me.
Please see me.

As I am looking at Stephen....through this fiery...gut wrenching...earth shaking time...he is becoming more and more transparent.
Less and less substantial.
But the God he looks to...trusts in..wrestles with...is becoming more and more visible.

I can't imagine his journey. I only watch from a distance.
Crying. Praying. Hoping.
I can't fathom his pain. I only see the results.
The stuff of nightmares.

So... at the end of the day...in the last possible moments of a precious life...
can we ask with true passion...
What are you looking at?
...and crave to hear the answer....

I am looking at Jesus.

Stephen...that's what I see.

Out of the Ashes

Almost every morning, upon arising, the chore of taking out the ashes awaits me.
Living in Manitoba with a wood stove...you understand why.
It is burning day and night.
Constantly.
Perpetually.
It is cold.
Here.
Kelly stop laughing.

Burning that much wood ...the ashes build up quickly.
Although by 7am it seem that it is all ash, as I shovel it out into our 5 gallon pail, there are always embers remaining. Not once have I awoken to find the fire completely gone out.

That gives me hope.

The dawn this morning was incredible...scarlet and flaming pink filled the sky.
The taller trees on our property are swaying in the wind...and the wind is warmer than usual.
The weather report for the following two weeks looks promising ( fingers crossed). It seems as if we will be getting the proverbial January thaw.

Dare I hope?

In the Book Hinds Feet on High Places ( Hannah Hunnard) the main character Much Afraid, on her journey with the Shepherd to the High Places, is always scraping together her little rebellions and fears into an altar and offering them up. The pile gets consumed by fire and she is left with a pebble in the ashes. She collects these pebbles along her journey to remind herself of the Shepherd's faithfulness to his promises, and to remind herself of what she has laid down.
Upon reaching the last leg of her journey she finds herself in a valley with an altar laid out before her. She discovers that the final act of obedience requires the full surrender of her need for human love...and acceptance. This sacrifice takes more that she can do herself so she asks to be bound to the altar and the priest of the altar reaches into her heart to tear out the weed of human love. After she awakens in a cave..she pours out all her pebbles..raked from the ashes of her surrender and they are jewels..treasure beyond measure.

What was I thinking ....that Christ could face the cross..in the garden and struggle til he sweat blood..saying not my will..but thine be done...and what..I get to blithely enter into the will of God with very little effort? Minor sacrifice..discomfort...and pain?
Jesus..who knew no sin..became sin...took it all on...bore it for all to see...so I could hide...keep things secret...pretend...succeed...prove I was good and worthy...of fame fortune..full of talent..wisdom and grace...

James Langteaux, in the book God.net reminds us that God says in his word to:
"take up your cross daily...not your golf bag... and follow him."
Am I doing that?
Following Him?
Or am I re-writing the script?
How much has been lost on the editing floor?
Is the movie nothing like the book?
God have mercy!

Can it be done?
As Sigmund Brouwer puts it in the title of his book:
" Can the Real Jesus Still Be Found?"

That's what we are called to.
Did you ever ask the question...
Where was Jesus going?
Can I follow?
Am I following?
What is my cross?
Is it an altar?

What does this mean for my life?

Doesn't look too promising....sounds terribly uncomfortable.

The cross wasn't the end however...

Out of the ashes of death...of surrender....there emerged a treasure beyond all treasure.

There emerged a blazing trail...

Back.

Talk about a treasure map.

There is a way back...to complete communion with God our Father.

That which was lost.
Is found.
Again.
That which was stolen.
Is restored.
That which was broken.
Reforged.
What died.
Lives.

Yes?

YES!

So today...I scrape together my petty rebellions...my fears...my will...

On the altar.

I surrender.

And trust from the ashes....he will bring forth treasure of his making, his design...

Lasting treasure.

And tomorrow..and tomorrow and tomorrow...

Through the fire..out of the ashes...

Following...

Him.

You've Read the Book...Now See the Movie

Have you read the book?
I have.
Cover to cover.
Many times over.
I've read it myself.
I've had others read it to me.

Compelling stuff.

Read the book and you get it all.
Sci-Fi, fantasy...angels and demons..other worlds.
Romance...betrayal...adultery....lust and murder.
Action, adventure, treasure...
The setting covers gardens, deserts, mountains and seashores..and caves and lions dens and fiery furnaces.
There are board room intrigues...throne room debaucheries, home births in barns.
Throw in a couple menopause babies and random muggings, and miracles and great epic poems.
On the down side there are a few boring genealogies...sorry.
Back on the upside..don't forget the classic underdogs... and the bad guys get it in the end.

It's a best seller.
It's also banned in several countries around the world.
People die for possessing this book.
They also die hopeless without it.

The movie?

We're living it.

Don't you hate it when the movie is nothing like the book?

I have known this book as long as I can remember.
Portions of it are deeply embedded in my psyche.

How can it be that at 40 I am still wrestling?

With the author no less?

I believe the author..I do.
He is all knowing after all.

What I am trying to figure out is why I feel like I live in a perpetual exam room.
Like every waking moment is a test to see if I got it right.
If I could just get the proper combination of humility, faith, confession, action, generosity, forgiveness and love.
If I could just get them in the proper order, in the right sequence...in the right amounts..then the magic door would open....and I could rest.

Peace...is illusive today....but no worries...Hope still exists.
The sun is up..the birds are at the bird feeder..the fire is crackling merrily in the wood stove...
My husband is out of work...the bank account is empty...the credit cards are maxed...
Oh...is this too much information?

This is the setting of my movie....today.

Or is it?

We so easily define ourselves and others by what we can see.
They are holidaying in Maui....
They are building a new home...
They are splitting up...
He is dying of...
That church is growing...
That church is not...
They are succeeding...
They are failing...
What did they do right?
What did they do wrong?

Which is your movie?
What does your set look like?

Drama drama drama....

enough with the drama...

we all have our secrets.
we all have our hidden places.
places no one sees.

I would prefer to keep them hidden.

I hate the thoughts of someone out there saying...see I told you it wouldn't work for them..they are doing it all wrong. If only they had done it our way..If only they had listened. They got just what they deserved. Maybe now they will come around.

Too late.

The secret is out.

The movie is just like the book.

It's a tell all.

What do I have to lose?

What do I believe?

I believe the author....not necessarily the actors.
I believe the director...not the critics.
The creator....not the crew.
The lead not the leading lady...

What is in my way...blocking my view...skewing my perspective...is myself.

Kim Clement says that in order for a person to have insight you must first go blind.

Today I choose to go blind.

The story...the book... it is a love story.
Everyone loves a love story.

I forgot... this morning...that it was.

There are two lead parts in the story.
The lover...and the beloved.

The lover doesn't meet his beloved in a swanky Hollywood Hotel...after her daily massage, manicure, hair appointment and shopping spree on the boulevard.

He meets her in the desert...sleeping with his enemy...smelling of incense offered to other gods.

She failed.
The exam.
Completely.

He took her back to himself...again and again.
He pursued her.
He wooed her.
He wrapped her in himself.
He transformed her...with love.

The center.
The lover.

The key to my soul.

The key to the peace that seems so illusive today.

I believe.

He is big enough.
Beautiful enough.
Pure enough.
Generous enough.
Kind enough.
Love enough.....

I can fall into him...
And hopefully...after all these years...see what he sees...
It must be something incredible...something beyond comprehension...

I have to close my eyes.

In order to truly see.

what is...

Read the book....

Check out the movie....you're in it...playing opposite the lead.

Its a blockbuster.

Guaranteed.

believe.....

Lately it's all I can do.

Sounds oversimplified doesn't it?

Sounds a lot like "faith"...and there we go... everything gets a little more complex.

That's when I start to twitch.

The problem is not whether or not I believe....

I do.

Believe.

So does every single human on the planet.

Believing is as easy as breathing.

It's not whether or not I believe.

It's what I believe.

Each of us has a believing tree. It grows in the garden of our life.

Our believing tree is strong and hardy.
It gets fed daily and is tended to with great care.

Our beliefs are strong.
Our beliefs are mighty.
Our beliefs can kill.

The believing tree has a central trunk that separates into two main branches.
The main support of the tree is labeled GOD...the secondary branch is labeled ME.

Everything else grows out from these two branches.

Today, with technology expanding so rapidly and communication from around the word at your fingertips...we are bombarded with millions of voices telling you what they believe.

They will also tell you what they don't believe..which is really another sort of inverted believing anyways.

Again..there is no question of believing.
If you live....you believe.

How's that working for you?

I've said it all my life.

We spend an inordinate amount of time telling ourselves, others and even God what we believe. We spread it around like manure on a field and watch over it to see what grows out of the mess. Is that a weed or wheat growing there...can't tell yet..wait a while....
Shit...it's a weed.
Well who knew?
Let's try again.
Have you ever seen the maniacs digging dandelions out of their yard..muttering dreadful incantations...and bellowing colorful metaphors the next day as a new one breaks through the verdant green paradise of their perfectly manicured lawn?

Sigh.

What are we doing?
What am I doing?

More to the point..what is God doing?

For any of you who have teenagers...don't you just love the stage where every response is prefaced with the words..."I know...mom....or I know dad"
You haven't even completed a statement...you open your mouth and they already KNOW.
The crazy thing is..they really, truly, honestly, believe they KNOW.
Go figure.
Tilt.

I admit...I get very sarcastic and inquire all the time of my sons...
" Is this the day you know everything and I know nothing...cause I didn't get the memo."

Who do we think God is..that we tell him...and it is so?

Now...we must believe something.
Fundamentally all belief originates around God..and ourselves.
Since he has the best seat..the best view...I am betting on what HE believes being the real deal.
He has the most bang for the bucks.

A question I ask myself regularly is..not so much what I believe..but what I want to believe.

I don't want a lawn full of dandelions.
I don't want a garden full of weeds.
I don't want a field full of thistles and thorn bushes.

I don't want to be wrong.
I don't want to be sick.
I don't want to die sick and wrong.

And I sure don't want to believe I am right..when I am wrong.
That's just stupid.

I want to live.
I want to believe the truth....about everything.

The truth..walked the planet in the flesh.
The truth was mocked.
The truth was tempted, hungry, lonely,misunderstood,misrepresented, threatened, ridiculed..the truth was lied about, put on trial and put to death.

The truth lives.

Believe it.

It will bend to no man or evil force.
It does not conform.
The truth transforms.
The truth impacts....it is not impacted.

I believe.

I don't have words to SAY..all that I believe..it's more like a free-falling continuous believing.
Where the wind of truth adjusts me as I fall into believing...and it is a perpetual fall until I draw my last breath. I will not make a temple out of my beliefs. I don't want to go back to being a teenager.

And there is joy.

This is where the peace passes understanding.

Understanding is subjective.
Real peace passes it.

The tree in the garden....is not one of knowledge..or understanding...that brings death.
The tree in the garden is Life.....

Love believes ALL things (1Corinthians 13)

Do you believe in love?

Take the leap..free fall...

believe.