Deconstructing

Strolls down memory lane sound idyllic in theory but in practice can be more like facing the monster under the bed.

This week I took one.

Although figuratively speaking it was more of a headlong rush deep into the past. A free fall generated by a simple statement made by my husband on our sofa in front a warm fire cocooned in a blanket as an added barrier against the obscene cold of a -45 degree day.

The specific statement he made is irrelevant to this conversation...and the ensuing emotional rollercoaster ride of 3 days is not something I will burden you with.

Suffice to say it involved copious amounts of tears, heart felt healing prayer, repentance and a profound sense of release following decades of imprisonment.

How can it be that a 40 year old woman minding her own business, living life and walking daily with her maker..can be so long ensnared....trapped, deceived and blind?

I once heard someone describe our lives as a building of Jenga blocks. We go along...building each block one on top of the other. When crisis hits the building gets out of balance and threatens to fall over and we, with a driven instinct to survive, add wedges ( coping mechanisms) to the tower in order to support it... thus preventing total collapse.

As we get older, if we stood back we would see a tower of blocks slanting crazily this way and that supported at major points by these wedges.

As children we interpret our surroundings and experiences through immature eyes. If threatened we develop beliefs and coping skills to deal with and categorize the threat.
As we gain more experiences we shore up our beliefs.... throwing out things that do not match up...adding to what we can accept as true: based on our experiential knowledge.

Our beliefs strengthen and grow...because we feed them.

I can attest to the fact that while we spend the major part our formative years developing beliefs...God spends our mature years deconstructing them.

"Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces, but he will heal us.
He has injured us, but he will bind up our wounds." Hosea 6:1

We are into self preservation from our conception.
Our instinct to survive is remarkable.

His desire for our restoration is stronger.
His love is deeper and more compelling.

Picture him systematically removing each wedge we created in order to keep our worlds from falling about our ears.

Deconstruction...followed by reconstruction.

As a seeker and believer in Jesus Christ...I have spent my life learning about him, learning to be like him, learning to love him and hear him.
At the same time I have discovered that I have in my heart and mind.... false gods that I serve in the name of God. Beliefs supported by childhood experience and fed for decades unknowingly.

I have served a god who abandons.
A god who is not kind.
A god who takes and demands.
One who teases and taunts and tests.
One who measures and finds wanting.

I have made vows to these gods.
I have offered sacrifices to these gods.
I have named them GOD.

A friend of mine explained it this way:

A match in a room fully lighted is unnoticeable.
A match in the dark is like the sun.

I have fully lit rooms inside...full of the glory of God.
I have dark rooms in the basement...in need of a match.

We humans have perfected the art of making god in our own image....or the image of those around us.
Thus the problem between people and the church today.
Equating God...with us....
What a mess.

Jesus said...if you have seen me you have seen the father.

Dream on people...I am so not there yet.
But I want to be.

The God of the bible....is good, kind, patient, loving, compassionate, forgiving, understanding.
If our actions or choices or beliefs support some other expression...

Well...the command : "thou shalt have no other gods before me", takes on a whole new relevance.

The God of the bible draws us forth with loving kindness...into the light.

In one random moment this week... he offered me a choice...exposed a dark room to the light of his love...identified the lie...
My part...a minor role in the scheme of things: was to acknowledge, repent and surrender...

He tore me open...tore down the tower...
He did all the work.
I just said yes.

I am exhausted.
But hopeful.
Trusting....in his knowledge of me, that he will complete the work he has begun.

He is who he says he is....
The journey of deconstructing continues...

He has the schedule...I just have to show up.