What Are You Looking At?

The first question that popped into my head upon awaking this morning was just that.
What are you looking at?

We live in a generation of self-help, pop psychology..and pay millions of dollars for hours of therapy...and medicate when the self help and therapy doesn't work.

Please hear me.
All meds aren't wrong.

Therapy is good.

Read...discover...acknowledge...change.

Although...
It can all become very self absorbing.
Very quickly.
I know.
From Experience.
I am seriously analytical for being such a creative person.
I think I am what they call mixed dominance.

I live deep.

Sometimes I forget however..that the depths I exist in are in God not myself.....

I become the focus..exploring, analyzing..investigating..excavating.

This morning I had a clear view of myself...self-help just took on a whole new aura.

It is IMPOSSIBLE.

See the ancient text tells us that Jesus..the Christ..the Son of God..the savior, redeemer of all mankind...HE is the author..and finisher of my faith.

HE wrote me.
HE knew my beginnings....he knows the plot line and he knows the end of the tale.

It says in the same passage right before this that I am to FIX my eyes on Jesus.

Whew.

I have a friend who is for all intents and purposes, in his last week of life.
He is dying of ALS.
I read his blog today.
One of the comments left by a friend was a story of how silver is refined.
This was in reference to a passage in Malachi 3:3 which states that:
" ...he sits like a refiner of silver..."
Research into the refining process reveals that a silversmith holds the silver in the center of the fire where it is the hottest. He cannot leave the silver but must remain during the whole process..never taking his eyes off the silver..which can be destroyed if left in the fire a moment too long. When asked how one knows when the process is complete, the silversmith replies:

'That's easy...when I see my reflection in it."

oh God!

This morning....God reminded me that he is the reason for my being.

He is the refiner.

I am in his care.

He is watching over me.

He started the whole process and oversees it to its completion.

In my over analytical...compulsive need to verify where I am and how I am doing... to solidify my position...and give reason to my life, I sometimes forget what it is all about.

What am I looking at?

Me???????

I am not that good looking!

I need to change my focus.

I need to allow him to do what he does best.

Let him get on with it...and stop messing around in his business.

Easy and light...that's what he said.


My friend Stephen...whose body is decaying by the second?
What do you say?
Where is my analysis now?
What am I looking at?
I don't know!

I know what I want.

I want him restored.
I want him healed.
NOW!

What am I seeing?

Where am I looking?

The only place left to look.
In the eyes of the one who has gone before.
Those are his footprints leading off into the distance.
I can't guarantee the terrain, the weather or the duration of the journey or the state of my body at the end.
Do I truly mean it when I say:
"Where he leads I will follow?"
or...." I surrender all"
What about the Kevin Prosch song we all belted out back in the day...
" When you've been broken..broken to pieces... and you crush me like a rose..."

In a world fraught with identity theft it is no wonder we seek to make our mark..to not be invisible..to establish ourselves...to become more and more concrete. We are conditioned by our environment.

Somebody please look at me.
Please see me.

As I am looking at Stephen....through this fiery...gut wrenching...earth shaking time...he is becoming more and more transparent.
Less and less substantial.
But the God he looks to...trusts in..wrestles with...is becoming more and more visible.

I can't imagine his journey. I only watch from a distance.
Crying. Praying. Hoping.
I can't fathom his pain. I only see the results.
The stuff of nightmares.

So... at the end of the day...in the last possible moments of a precious life...
can we ask with true passion...
What are you looking at?
...and crave to hear the answer....

I am looking at Jesus.

Stephen...that's what I see.

5 Things I am Thankful For...Meme

I was tagged by Kelly to write this meme.

Thanksgiving is over.
I got the memo.
Now on to Christmas ...where the partying begins.
That's where the real money is.
You know....the loot...the bounty...the list as long as my arm.
The..."I know they really love me if they buy me....." season.
Or....."They never will, so I might as well prepare myself."
The internal dialogues over the month of December could probably give work to struggling young therapists for decades:

"I can't take being invisible for one more minute.... "
" This Christmas stuff is all fake anyways."
"Why can't they just see who I really am and accept me ?"
"Who said this is the season of giving...I am dying here..alone..."
"I can't afford this ...but I can't tell them..they'll never understand...they'll just think I am a failure."
"I hate them."
"I hate myself."
"WHO the HELL thought up Christmas anyways?"

There are millions, in this country alone, during this season, experiencing: loneliness, despair, terminal illness, abuse, abandonment, financial ruin, suicidal thoughts, debilitating fears and so on.
Oh God.
Thankful?
Damn straight!
I have not walked this earth for 40 years without my share of some of the above.
My journey has had some plot twists that I would never have chosen to put into the script.
But I am not writing my story...that falls into far better hands than mine.
Today I am simply grateful to be able to proclaim:

1. I am thankful for AWARENESS
I have always known there was a God. I have always known it is not just the destination..but the journey itself. I know I have never been alone...
That I can say the name of God with any intimacy or any clarity whatsoever...I am aware..is a miracle.
I am aware that love does not originate in me but fills me and flows through me....for this awareness I am thankful.

2. I am thankful for GRACE
Without it I could not breathe...I could not look on others with love... I could not accept myself.
It sustains me in my dark places...where I have failed..and continue to struggle.
It accomplishes the miracle of allowing me to call myself child of God.
The bible says GRACE ABOUNDS....that I can handle.
Abounding GRACE... for this I am thankful.

3. I am thankful for BELIEF
The knowledge that God believes in me and thus creates the ability for me to believe in him...is truly the foundational element of my entire existence. The capacity to believe and keep on believing is rooted in the knowledge that HE keeps me there...thank GOD...yes you God...for this I give deep thanks.

4. I am thankful for TRUST
In a world full of broken trust, you might ask how this is possible.
Am I perfectly trustworthy?
Have I ever broken my word?
The answers are no and yes.
How does that foster a thankfulness for TRUST you wonder....
Well...
There is not a person on the planet who is worthy of all trust.
PERIOD.
But still I choose to trust and work at holding the trust of those God has chosen to share my life with. I trust the Father's ability to hold all things together in the midst of utter chaos...
I trust his knowledge of the present, his interpretation of the past and his design for the future. How it all plays out is in his court.
Sometimes I hurt people.
Most definitely not on purpose.
It is possible to hurt someone by simply being you... in the moment.
And sometimes I am wrong.
I trust God to redeem those moments and balance it all out...because I am not capable of explaining things as clearly as he is.
I trust him to make me worthy of the trust of others...and to keep trust with me.
For this I am thankful.

5. I am thankful for HOPE
A long time ago I wrote in a journal this statement:

"Hope is never lost ... it is abandoned..."
I still hold to that statement, but I would like to add to it:

"Hope is never lost...it is abandoned...but though abandoned it still does it's work."

That is not meant as a criticism to those who feel they are without hope.

The truth is...until our last breath and beyond there is hope, whether we believe in it or not.
We were not the architects of our creation...what gives us the right or ability to say what is and is not possible?
There is a force at work in the world...in us.
It is woven into our parts.
It beats with our hearts.
Courses through our veins.
Resonates with every breath.
It is like the seed of a plant that falls into a crack in the pavement or in the crevice of a rock. Over time and with great effort the plant breaks free and makes its way towards the sun though hard pressed on every side.
The goal is the sun.
Plants surge towards it....trees throw up their many limbed arms in glorious panoramic worship....birds sing at rising and setting...waters reflect its light.
With all of creation around indicating that seasons are not permanent...dawn always approaches...the storm always ends...life finds a way...

Hope springs eternal because its source is in THE ETERNAL.

..And the Eternal never abandons.. He cannot. He is constant. He is present. Always.

Now ABIDES these three things... faith ...HOPE and Love...
Hope ABIDES...it cannot be lost...for this I am truly thankful.

Thankfulness is a state of being...not limited to good times, gift giving...or turkey infested holidays. It exists in bodies racked with pain, children who have next to nothing...men who have lost their jobs...women who have lost their babies....it can be found in the darkest of places, in the most confining of prisons around the world.

Thanks be to God.