The wo-MAN in the Mirror

I write from life.

Difficult not to, when life is just begging to be transcribed.

The good, the bad and the underbelly of life begs to be reiterated, regurgitated and re-constituted into something of value. Something lasting. Something truly beautiful.

Who am I?

The question begs asking from the first moment an infant gazes into the eyes of its parent.
A mother carries a child in her womb, under her heart for nine months.
Simply put: they are one...and yet they are not.

It takes a while for an infant to focus after birth.
Dazed and confused doesn't quite cover it I imagine.

Out of the comforting womb where there were no demands whatsoever, the baby arrives abruptly into a foreign environment. Senses engage. Synapses fire.
The quest for identity begins.

We humans see everything around us as reference points.
Points that tell us where we are, what we are and who we are.

That is that so this must be this..not that.
They are there, and those others are over there...so I must be here.

Navigating life becomes kind of like navigating by the stars.

The problem is...and a big problem it is...

...is that the reference points we use are not fixed.

Not anchored securely.

Not constant.

They are always moving, changing..transforming.

They are unreliable, even at the best of times.

This causes major disasters on the journey of life , as you can well imagine.

Put it into a nautical framework, or an aeronautical framework and watch the flaming infernos fill the seas and skies.

The ancient scriptures tell us that:

"Those who compare themselves, among themselves, are not wise."

And yet we soldier on, plotting our courses by the "stars" in our heavens:

Our parents.
Our siblings.
Our friends.
Our enemies.
Our colleagues.
Our heroes.
Our teachers.
Our selves.

Self discovery is devastating.
Either way.
Discovering strength can devastate excuses.
Discovering limitations can devastate arrogance.
Discovering compassion can devastate ambivalence.
Discovering truth can devastate perspective.

For us it will always be the struggle for self expression, the unveiling of our true selves.
The peeling back of our skins, layers, petals.

C.S Lewis displayed profound wisdom when he described Eustace being freed by Aslan from his Dragon suit.(Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)
Eustace, ( who up until this point had been an arrogant pain in the ass,always complaining or whining and never having a problem recommending himself as an expert on every front to anyone who would listen) has transformed into a dragon and was asked by Aslan if he wanted to be free. Eustace affirms this as his hearts desire and Aslan proceeds to dig in a claw and strip Eustace layer by layer.
The last layer is the most excrutiating... agonizing... and incapacitating, yet it is in that moment that freedom is gained. Eustace is reborn, still retaining some of his aggravating qualities...but reborn none the less.

All that to say this.

We cannot liberate ourselves.

We are never done.

And neither is the person in front of us.

To compare our positions and chart our course from one another is futile and more likely than not to cause a major collision. Our interpretation of information is flawed. We are walking wounded. We need an ever fixed mark from which to navigate.

We need a clear line of vision.
We need a different reflection.

We need our maker.

Self loathing, self hatred, self confidence, self worth.

All generated by self.

All self imposed.

All inherently flawed.

We are visually and physically and spiritually impaired.

If you need assistance press * for more options.

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Eustace saw himself reflected in a pool of water.
He was a dragon.
Aslan saw the boy underneath.
The boy believed Aslan, not his reflection.
He turned from the pool.
Gazed into the face of the Lion.
The reflection changed.

Love is NOT blind... it truly sees... it sees...TRULY!

What do you see?
Where are you looking?
What manner of looking glass do you gaze into?
To whom do you compare?

Mom?
Sister?
Friend?
Yourself as you once were...are now or imagine yourself to be?

Somedays...all I see is the dragon. I can almost smell the smoke.

But I am learning to navigate wisely.
I am learning to gaze into the eyes of my maker and allow him to reflect back to me: his view.

Mine is too subjective.
Too indeterminate.
Too inconstant.

Self discovery is deadly.
Painful.
Liberating.

More and more frequently I am finding my true self mirrored in his eyes.
Authentic.
Whole.
Beautiful.

It is a challenge daily to change my point of view.
It takes incredible effort.
Deliberate actions.
Concrete decisions.

Who am I?

I am who he says.

And I am her NOW and forever.....