Years ago in BC, just before Christmas, I received a call from a friend. Her family was in dire straights financially and had very little food in their cupboard. This surprised me since her husband was making way more money than mine at the time. We had just been given two hampers by different people so we were set for Christmas. A sweet neighbor had brought over an extra turkey for us, so I could see the food stretching into January. God was good. Less than 24 hours later I knew God wanted us to give away half of what we had been given. My husband I gathered together a laundry basket full of provision, along with several more boxes and bags, and headed out. We watched the smiles erupt on the faces of our friends and the tears flow in gratitude. A couple of days later I get another call. The husband had gone out and gotten financing and bought my friend a nice ring, necklace and earring set ( real gems), a set of premier pots and pans, clothing and a myriad of other items. As I hung up the phone my heart burned in anger. I yelled at God as I looked around my home at the bare necessities. Why did you have me give to someone who doesn't deserve it? To someone who would be so reckless and irresponsible? We sacrificed...and they were unappreciative of the sacrifice....it was wrong...damn wrong!
In a gentle whisper God reminded me that it is never just about the recipient: it is about HIM, the giver and the recipient. And the bottom line is love..not worthiness as defined by me.
God brought that story back to my memory when I woke up this morning.
I am a wreck.
The tears won't stop.
I know that in retrospect...I withheld LOVE...after the fact.
I took the provisions in good faith.
I met the need.
I shared.
I weighed them, measured them and found them wanting... and stifled love in the face of MY KNOWLEDGE....
I stopped seeing them...and only judged their actions....
How many times do I do that?
Determine worthiness by my sense of a person's level of responsibility...or appreciation of their position... or value of my gift...my sacrifice.
We were given a second van once by some friends who had upgraded to a fully loaded new one. We were in need... were were going to sell it for cash. We got a call from some other friends asking us to pray for a young couple who were in desperate need of a vehicle. We gave the vehicle away. They were floored. We didn't know them. We didn't have their bank statements or credit card receipts to prove they were responsible ...and worthy of the gift.
Love flowed freely down...and through..unhindered by my filters...my screening process.
I was learning.
This morning I awoke.
In need.
Of so many things.
I can't begin to tell you.
My heart is breaking.
Where is Jesus today?
He is here with me... compassionately and kindly leading me to repentance.
In my time of desperate need he takes me back...and unlocks the doors I slammed shut .
I don't ever want to dam up God's love...or his gifts or his resources.
This has been a hard year for us.
Things didn't exactly go as planned.
The present landscape is harsh and barren and the resources are gone.
The debts pile up and winter seems to be increasing it's hold.
I can feel the cold penetrating to the marrow of my bones.
Does this make you uncomfortable?
Sorry.
Well Jesus said: Woe to you if everyone speaks well of you...
You can stop right here.
Go no farther.
Our situation became critical around Christmas.
We are still scrambling.
And praying.
And crying.
A single mom friend of mine who eight years ago was standing in a food bank line-up with a small child, having had all her stuff repossessed after her husband left her, sent me money in the mail...along with several packages on the Greyhound Bus filled with card making supplies so I could create beautiful things while waiting for a miracle or two.
Another blessing came in the form of an email money transfer from friends whose church we don't even attend.
Again...I was notified that a girl friend of mine who is in desperate straights herself arranged for an email transfer as well..she was desperate to give back she said...she craved to give...even out of her own need.
I am undone by it all.
Like Shane Claiborne..I feel like I could say: Jesus wrecked my life.
As you read this you may answer back... no ...you did that yourself....your choices led you.
God wants you to prosper...follow the rules like we did...they are there for your protection.
When is the last time you looked at a person in need and did not measure their choices..analyze their faith...probe their beliefs...to see if they are worthy of sharing with?
I know.
I was there.
God have mercy on us all.
Where is Jesus?
He's homeless.
He's hungry.
He's cold.
He's in debt.
He's dying.
He's isolated.
He's taking the bus.
He's on drugs.
He's prostituting.
He's lonely.
He's stealing.
He's in jail.
He smells.
The least of these.
Have you ever been?
"Most good things begin with a little guilt, but they never end there. We are all bound up in the filthy system, and if you find yourself particularly bound, take courage, as you then will have more grace as you liberate others."
( Shane Caliborne: Irresistible Revolution)
Today...I need to see Jesus.
I need him to bust out of the mausoleums we have entombed him in.
The box...we have imprisoned him in.
I want the filters removed...from his free flowing river of love and mercy...compassion and forgiveness.
Since when did we become his board of directors?
Since when did we become his counselors?
His marketing team?
God have mercy on our souls.
I am learning.
Through the fire of need.
In the crucible.
There is a certain freedom found in desperation.
We start believing in miracles again when we need one.
We start looking for truth amidst our shattering lies.
You can't look down...from the bottom.
But the view looking up is spectacular.
I am not telling you to go slumming today.
I am asking you to shut down and remove the filters you have placed between you and those
God loves....
Stop administrating God.
Stop the excuses.
Freely you have received.
Freely give.
Today.
Today people.
Find them.
You know who they are...and if you don't go look for some.
See them.
Like he does.
The last shall be first.... in a world where first is the only goal in sight... it is foolish.
That's HIS truth.
It's one of the first lessons you learn as a child.
SHARE.
share.
sHaRe.
go ahead.
do it.
if you dare.
